• Third Test, day 3: England 185 and 68; Australia 267
• Boland takes a six-for on debut as England collapse again

There are dream Test debuts and then there is the match that Scott Boland just experienced. The 32-year-old Victorian was handed his Baggy Green cap on Boxing Day and just three days later ripped through England with a quite remarkable six-wicket haul that saw Australia retain the Ashes at the earliest opportunity.

The coup de grâce came at 11.49am on the third morning, less than half way through the scheduled series, when Cameron Green pegged back Jimmy Anderson’s off-stump to secure an unassailable 3-0 lead. England were all out for a meagre 68 in just 27.4 overs, having somehow conspired to lose by an innings and 14 runs in a match where their opponents had stuck just 267 on the board.

As Australia’s players managed to catch up with Green’s haring sprint of celebration (Boland among the throng that engulfed the giant all-rounder, and Pat Cummins savouring his first series win as captain) English cricket was in a state of humiliation. Joe Root had top-scored with 28, falling 80 runs short of Mohammad Yusuf’s record 1,788 in a calendar year, but once again his team-mates had melted around him.

Instead the only records set by way of calendar year were England registering their ninth defeat in 2021, surpassing a previous worst of eight, achieved four times, and registering 54 ducks to match a mark set by their forebears in 1998. They had also found themselves on the receiving end of the fastest Ashes five-wicket haul by an Australian, Boland requiring just 17 deliveries either side of stumps on day two to cap a stunning debut.

This was also England’s lowest total in Australia since 1904 and yet despite the previous evening’s collapse against a rampant attack, stumbling to 31 for four in response to a first innings deficit of 82, the tourists started the day with Root and his vice-captain, Ben Stokes, at the crease with a chance of setting their hosts a tricky target on what was clearly a spicy pitch for the seamers.

• England 185 all out; Australia 61-1 on day one in Melbourne
• Root punches bat in frustration after giving away wicket on 50

England’s batting flopped again as they slumped to 185 all out on day one of the Boxing Day Test, leaving Australia with one hand on the urn.

The tourists have yet to reach 300 in the series and the familiar frailty of their top seven reared its head again as Australia, who only need to draw to retain the Ashes, bossed proceedings in front of more than 51,000 fans at the MCG. The hosts finished on 61-1 at stumps.

• Second Test, day three: Australia 473-9 dec & 45-1; England 236
• Root and Malan’s hard work comes undone again in Adelaide

When the England brains trust held Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad back at the Gabba under a belief they might work their magic under lights in Adelaide, it is fair to assume – although perhaps we cannot be certain – the scenario envisaged was not the pair trying to eke their team past the follow-on mark with the bat.

Yet here they were, England’s two most decorated seamers united out in the middle and Mitchell Starc bounding in with a hard, new, pink Kookaburra ball in hand. The specialist batsmen above them had earlier produced their latest heinous collapse, the crowd was up, the famous Edwardian scoreboard on the grass hill read 220 for nine and the deficit was 253 runs. The gulf felt greater to be honest.

• Australia raced to target of 20 after England lost eight for 77
• Second Test in Adelaide begins on Thursday

After a breakdown in the broadcasting of the first Ashes Test normal service eventually resumed. England’s meek collapse on the fourth morning in the face of a rejuvenated Australian attack condemned them to a nine-wicket defeat and a 1-0 series deficit heading into the pink ball encounter in Adelaide.

As Marcus Harris and Marnus Labuschagne finished off a target of 20 runs in 25 minutes after lunch, the latter striding in after the fall of the promoted Alex Carey, it subjected England to their 10th defeat in their last 11 Tests, handed Pat Cummins a first victory as captain and restored the Gabba’s status as Australia’s fortress.

They may have lost to India on the ground back in January, but England? This was a seventh victory over the old enemy in their last nine encounters in Queensland as part of an unbeaten Ashes record that stretches back to 1986. ‘Gabbattoir’ references have thankfully been light over the past week but it still deals in butchery.