Don’t be ashamed. Shame is for the other people in your life who failed you, says Annalisa Barbieri

As a child, I stole a pair of my mother’s high-waisted, pink and white nylon knickers and wore them under my short trousers to school. I was six years old and not getting what I needed from her. I felt I couldn’t access her. She was physically and emotionally unavailable, and in a marriage that was “on the rocks”, as she used to say. I had also tried to tell my parents I was being physically, sexually and emotionally abused at school, but they scolded me for telling lies and not concentrating on my work.

I’m now in my 60s. I’ve been in therapy for many years, and have come to understand my parents’ difficulties and, more importantly, myself. Recently, I have felt the old, suppressed urge to buy women’s underwear online. But I’m conflicted, confused and haunted by other people’s messages. This might be because I grew up in a country dominated by religion.