My life in the ethical wild west: our sketch writer on his three years of Brexit hell

The Guardian’s political sketch writer is supposed to make up his own jokes. But politics has been so ludicrous and psychedelic that he’s just written down what happened and taken credit for the laughs

I didn’t think twice when I was asked to become the Guardian’s political sketch writer. Not only was it a huge honour to follow in the footsteps of so many great writers, such as Norman Shrapnel and Simon Hoggart, but what better job could there be for a satirist and lifelong politics nerd? Yet in February 2014, I imagined it would be a niche slot. Centre-stage, certainly, for the big set pieces of elections and budgets, but otherwise strictly for obsessives like me who could find humour in exchanges over proposed improvements to the Kettering bypass at transport questions on a Thursday morning.

Yet almost from the day I started, it was as if our politicians had chosen to overdose on psychedelics. The surreal rapidly became the all too real. Sketches that used to be comedic diversions, lighthearted puncturing of pomposity, incompetence and duplicity through exaggeration and flights of imagination, became almost straightforward reportage. I didn’t have to make anything up, I just had to more or less write down what people said and claim the laughs for myself. A transcription service, if you like.

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Don’t sign pledges on NHS or climate, Tory HQ tells candidates

Exclusive: leaked briefing note advises candidates not to sign up to non-approved pledges – but supporting shooting is allowed

Conservative candidates in the general election will be told not to sign up to specific pledges on protecting the NHS from privatisation and trade deals or tackling climate change, according to a leaked internal document from party headquarters.

The 11-page briefing note explains the party’s position on nine key areas and “strongly advises” prospective Tory MPs “against signing up to any pledges” unless they have been agreed from the centre.

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‘Alarming’ Chinese meddling at UK universities exposed in report

Chinese embassy appears to be coordinating efforts to curb academic freedom, say MPs

Universities are not adequately responding to the growing risk of China and other “autocracies” influencing academic freedom in the UK, the foreign affairs select committee has said.

The report, rushed out before parliament is suspended pending the election, finds “alarming evidence” of Chinese interference on UK campuses, adding some of the activity seeking to restrict academic freedom appears to be coordinated by the Chinese embassy in London.

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Any amount of running reduces risk of early death, study finds

Previous research suggested health benefits increased with greater volume of running

Any amount of running is good for you, according to research suggesting it is linked to a similar reduction in the risk of early death no matter how many hours you clock up a week or how fast you go.

According to the World Health Organization, about 3.2 million deaths each year are down to people not doing enough physical activity.

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Girl, 11, who drowned at theme park was on ride without a teacher, inquest told

Evha Jannath died after falling into 12ft of water at Drayton Manor, Staffordshire

An 11-year-old girl who drowned after falling into 12ft of water on the river rapids at a theme park was allowed aboard the ride without a teacher, an inquest has heard.

Evha Jannath was “propelled” from a six-seater vessel on Splash Canyon at Drayton Manor, Staffordshire on 9 May 2017, while on an end-of-year school trip with staff and friends from Jameah girls academy in Leicester.

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Iran’s production of enriched uranium rises tenfold in two months

Experts warn of dangerous consequences as nuclear deal continues to unravel

Iran has announced a tenfold increase in enriched uranium production as Tehran backs away from its nuclear deal with the west.

Ali Akbar Salehi, the head of Iran’s atomic energy organisation, said enriched uranium production was now at 5kg per day, up from 450g two months ago. The announcement coincided with the 40th anniversary of the Iranian takeover of the US embassy.

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Hillary Clinton: Zuckerberg should pay price for damage to democracy

Former presidential candidate criticises Facebook’s decision to let politicians lie in adverts

Mark Zuckerberg “should pay a price” for what he is doing to democracy, Hillary Clinton has said, as she expressed doubts about whether free and fair elections were even possible in the wake of Facebook’s decision to not factcheck political advertising.

Speaking in New York at a screening of The Great Hack, a Netflix documentary about the Cambridge Analytica scandal, the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate cited the threat to upcoming elections in both the US and UK as she made the damning remarks about Facebook’s decision to allow politicians to lie in adverts posted to its platform.

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PM accused of cover-up over report on Russian meddling in UK politics

No 10 refuses to clear release of report into Russian political interference before election

Boris Johnson was on Monday night accused of presiding over a cover-up after it emerged that No 10 refused to clear the publication of a potentially incendiary report examining Russian infiltration in British politics, including the Conservative party.

Downing Street indicated on Monday that it would not allow a 50-page dossier from the intelligence and security committee to be published before the election, prompting a string of complaints over its suppression.

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Police could share immigration data from lorry deaths appeal

Essex police refuse to confirm statuses of those who respond will not be given to Home Office

Essex police have refused to confirm they will not share data with the Home Office on the immigration status of anyone responding to recent public appeals for information on the deaths of 39 people in a lorry.

The force last week urged those who may have information to come forward “without fear”.

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Obey me on Brexit, Jeremy Corbyn warns shadow cabinet dissenters

Exclusive: Labour leader says debate is over as he seeks to shift focus to social justice and climate

Jeremy Corbyn has told his fractious shadow cabinet “the debate is over” on Brexit, as he seeks to stamp his authority on the general election campaign and shift the focus to social justice and the climate emergency.

Speaking to the Guardian in the south-west London seat of Putney, the Labour leader claimed he had instructed frontbench colleagues to fall into line, after divisions over Brexit sparked a furious row over whether to go for an election.

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Harry Dunn: ‘Informal’ talks begin over possible extradition of Anne Sacoolas

Suspect in teenager’s death has been in US since leaving UK under diplomatic immunity

British and American officials have begun talks to explore the possible extradition of the suspect in the death of Harry Dunn, the Guardian has learned.

The suspect, Anne Sacoolas, went to the US while under investigation after a car she was driving struck a motorcycle ridden by the 19-year-old outside RAF Croughton in Northamptonshire in August.

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MPs pledge to stop abusive language during general election

Cross-party MPs vow to ‘promote compassion’ as part of #StopTheNastiness campaign

Leading politicians from major parties have signed a pledge to avoid hateful language during the general election campaign, as a growing number of MPs cite relentless abuse as their reason for stepping down from parliament.

The group Compassion in Politics has launched #StopTheNastiness, which aims to encourage candidates to “campaign with respect, call out hate, and promote compassion” over the next six weeks. It also urges the public to contact their local representatives and ask them to back the pledge, and calls on the media to avoid exacerbating abuse.

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Isis women driven by more than marriage, research shows

Exclusive: guidance says many factors, including rebellion and sisterhood, spur radicalisation

Women and girls who attach themselves to Islamic State are driven by a complex combination of factors beyond just love or marriage, including feelings of social exclusion and the appeal of sisterhood, according to research by a counter-extremism thinktank.

The Institute for Strategic Dialogue (ISD) has put together guidance to help people working with women and girls who have returned from Isis-held territories.

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Grace Millane: trial for backpacker’s murder to begin in Auckland

New Zealand man, 27, has pleaded not guilty to murder of 21-year-old British tourist

One year since the body of British backpacker Grace Millane was discovered in dense bushland on the outskirts of Auckland, the man accused of murdering her is set to stand trial in New Zealand this week.

The 27-year-old New Zealand man, who was granted name suppression by the Auckland high court in December, has pleaded not guilty to her murder.

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‘He’s got a battle on his hands’: could Uxbridge unseat Boris Johnson?

Labour’s candidate Ali Milani, 25, hopes student vote and Heathrow ‘betrayal’ could deliver shock result

If the ancient wood-panelled walls of the Crown and Treaty in Uxbridge could talk, they would speak to the perils of crossing parliament.

In the heart of Boris Johnson’s west London constituency, this former manor house hosted talks over the ill-fated treaty of Uxbridge in 1645, an abortive attempt to end the first English civil war, which arose from a battle between parliament and the executive and ultimately led to Charles I losing his head.

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Train firms backtrack over pledge to ban raw sewage on railway lines

Operators admit target to end ‘disgusting practice’ by the end of the year will not be met

A pledge to end the dumping of human waste on railway tracks in England and Wales by the end of the year will no longer be met, Network Rail and train firms have admitted.

Although Network Rail’s former chief executive, Mark Carne, said in 2017 he had secured government agreement to end the “disgusting practice” by 2019, several companies will continue to use trains whose toilets flush directly onto the track.

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‘Stolen’ £250k Tecchler violin is returned undamaged to owner

Musician reunited with 310-year-old instrument after it was hand back by man who took it from train

A 310-year-old antique violin worth £250,000 that was stolen from a train in London has been returned to its owner with no damage.

Professional musician Stephen Morris, who said it was “devastating” to lose the instrument made by craftsman David Tecchler in 1709, reported the violin missing on 22 October.

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Johnson ‘knew about Vote Leave’s illegal overspend’, says MP

Prime minister accused of ‘sitting on information’ after EU referendum

Boris Johnson knew of Vote Leave’s overspend during the 2016 EU referendum, but appears to have failed to tell the authorities, according to explosive new claims from a senior MP. The payment was subsequently ruled to be illegal.

Ian Lucas revealed that he has seen correspondence obtained during the parliamentary inquiry into disinformation and democracy which showed that Johnson’s most senior aide, Dominic Cummings, told the Electoral Commission that the prime minister, and his cabinet colleague Michael Gove, knew of the overspend by the pro-Brexit organisation.

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UK weather: gales bring down trees and scaffolding

Flooding also forecast in nine areas of south-west England and Welsh borders

Strong winds have brought down trees and scaffolding, leaving cars damaged and travel plans disrupted as gusts of more than 80mph hit parts of the UK.

Flooding was expected in nine areas of south-west England and the Welsh borders, and a band of heavy rain may affect northern Scotland later on Saturday.

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Dominic Grieve calls for release of report on Russian meddling in UK

Chair of intelligence and security committee says dossier has facts ‘germane’ to election

Dominic Grieve has called for the publication of a report on Russian meddling in the democratic process to be published before the general election, saying it contains knowledge “germane” to voters.

The cross-party intelligence and security committee had expected Boris Johnson to approve publication of the 50-page dossier by Thursday.

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