Category Archives: Relationships

My summer of love: ‘I took a date to Black Pride – and realised I loved him’

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He was able to exist so easily in my world that it helped me feel happier there too

In the summer of 2015, I attended UK Black Pride (an annual event celebrating African, Asian, Middle Eastern, Latin American and Caribbean-heritage LGBTQI+ people). It is one of the few places where I feel truly among family. My difference as a queer person of colour disappears in the sea of black and brown faces dancing in the sunshine – jumping around to the likes of Mark Morrison’s Return of the Mack and Jazzy Jeff’s Summertime; songs that also bring back memories of London in the 90s, the London of my teens.

I come from a working-class, multicultural, east London community, but, after graduating from university, I also graduated to the middle classes. At UK Black Pride, I was reminded how far away I now felt from that world and, in that instant, recognised why love seemed to elude me. I dated men from my “circle”: men I’d met working as a lawyer or through university friends. Men who were middle class. Men who were often (but not always) white.

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I’m an unsuccessful writer, how can I escape this feeling of despair?

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Direct your energy into your creativity and do what you want to do

The question I am a nearly 40-year-old woman and I’ve recently realised that I have no idea what would make me happy. I’m married with children and a good career. We’re financially comfortable. I have nothing to complain about. Yet beneath the surface, I feel a sort of numb despair at life. I find no joy in anything. I dislike my job and feel disconnected from my family. I sleep poorly, which doesn’t help; sometimes at night I get so angry with myself for not being able to achieve this basic human function that I wish I would just die.

The one thing I’ve always wanted in life is to be a writer. I’ve had three books brought out by a large publisher, but they were unsuccessful. So, although people say I should be proud, I see myself as a failure. I keep telling myself not to give up, but increasingly it’s hard to find a reason to keep trying. I just cling to my old dream out of habit, and because it’s a vanishing spark of hope in an otherwise grey landscape.

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I haven’t cheated on my partner for over a year. As things open up, I’m worried it will happen again

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If you want to stop cheating you need to figure out why you do it, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, and that will take time, effort and help

One huge bonus of a year of lockdown and social distancing is that, for the first time in my relationship, I haven’t cheated on my partner for over a year. Women find me attractive and often flirt with me but I’ve never accepted an invitation to start an affair. Having been cheated on in the past I’m painfully aware of how the lies and deceit of an affair can make the betrayed person feel like they are going crazy, and the massive hurt that is caused when a long term affair is discovered.

Instead, when I get drunk at a party or night out, I start responding to these flirtatious behaviours and end up going home with a stranger, colleague or associate. It’s always a one-night stand and even if the other person wants it to continue I never do. Afterwards I feel terrible, give up drinking for a while and try strategies to prevent it happening again (eg mention my wife within one minute of conversation, don’t drink at festivals, impose a curfew on myself etc).

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My sex life has dropped off. Is my marriage at risk?

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How often you have sex is not what counts, what really matters is the attention that you pay to each other

The question I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children and are very happy and enjoy being together. But one area does bother me: our sex life has dwindled, particularly since we had children. We used to have sex daily and it was great. But, as time went on and our children arrived, I find that we’re just too tired to have sex as often.

Our first child was born prematurely and spent time in neonatal intensive care. We both found that difficult and I think that I am still traumatised by it. My husband says it’s the past and that we should not dwell on that trauma. He’s right, but I can’t seem to help it.

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Ukrainian couple break up after being handcuffed together for 123 days – video report

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The couple, from the eastern city of Kharkiv, decided to handcuff themselves together on Valentine’s Day in a last-ditch attempt to break the cycle of breaking up and making up.

After 123 days handcuffed together to save their on-again, off-again relationship, Ukrainians Alexandr Kudlay and Viktoria Pustovitova shed their bonds on national TV, saying the experiment had brought home uncomfortable truths

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Linen condoms and bed curtains: tour exposes history of sex in Scotland

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National Trust for Scotland presents exploration of intimacy from 17th to 20th century

The chafing doesn’t bear thinking about. A replica linen condom secured with a dainty blue ribbon is one of the more wince-inducing props for a new exploration of the history of sex and intimate lives in Scotland.

The other material used to fashion prophylactics in the 17th century was animal gut, which was dried then rehydrated at the crucial moment. The Edinburgh-born diarist James Boswell writes about dipping one in a river before intercourse. He was adamant about their use to ward off venereal disease, but still recorded numerous painful bouts of infection in his journals.

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The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in Britain’s bedrooms

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A recent survey suggested a shockingly high proportion of women have been sexually assaulted by a partner as they slept. Now more and more are speaking out

Niamh Ní Dhomhnaill had been with her partner for almost a year when she discovered that he’d been raping her while she slept. At the time, she was 25, and a language teacher in a Dublin secondary school. Her partner, Magnus Meyer Hustveit, was Norwegian. The couple had moved in together within a few months of meeting, but things were tense. It wasn’t a happy relationship.

On that particular night, Ní Dhomhnaill had been out with Hustveit and other friends, but left early, alone, because she felt unwell. “I’d only drunk water but I’d gone to bed and was out for the count,” she says. “I didn’t hear Magnus come back, which is unusual because I’d always been a light sleeper.”

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‘It was so nasty. He laughed in my face’: How to love and trust again after a big romantic betrayal

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When a long-term partner cheats on you it can be devastating, but it is possible to move on in time. Here, experts and Guardian readers explain how best to rebuild your life

Sarah and her husband were anchored in a remote harbour – more than a year into their round-the-world sailing voyage, and decades into their relationship – when she read a message on his tablet that made her collapse to the floor of their boat. It was from a man on a gay pornography website. Others like it revealed six years of betrayal by her husband, including a long-term relationship with a married man.

Sarah was one of many Guardian readers who responded to our invitation to share experiences of betrayal. Although every respondent’s circumstances were unique, and they were of different nationalities, backgrounds, ages and sexualities, there was one thing that linked all their experiences: mind-shattering suffering. I could understand why in his Inferno Dante reserved his ninth and deepest circle of hell for those who committed treachery. Avishai Margalit, the philosopher and author of On Betrayal, tells me that whether we are reading Dante or the Bible, Shakespearean tragedy, Greek mythology or Guardian readers’ stories, we can empathise with the pain of someone betrayed. It endures across time and space, culture and history.

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Farewell Mariella: ‘I wanted to say thanks’

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After almost 20 years, our much-loved agony aunt is signing off. Here, our readers reveal how she’s helped them

Dear Mariella, I just wanted to let you know that not long after your column started I wrote to you. I was in utter despair as my husband had left and I think I was having a breakdown. I thought at the time your reply was quite harsh. However, you were right, I did need to get a grip and concentrate on my children.

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How we met: ‘I’d had girlfriends. Being gay hadn’t crossed my mind’

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Mark, 71, and Andrew, 73, met at university in Scotland and have been together for almost 50 years. They live in London

Mark was deeply unhappy when he started at St Andrews University in Scotland in 1967. He had grown up feeling conflicted about his sexuality, and though sex between two men had been decriminalised in England and Wales that summer, it remained illegal in the rest of the UK, and attitudes towards gay people remained extremely hostile. “Sex education taught me that my feelings were abnormal. I was waiting for the phase to end,” he says. In his first week, he met Andrew, who had moved from the US to study. “We didn’t know each other well. He was on the fringes of my social group,” says Mark, 71. Andrew found Mark attractive, but had never considered a relationship with another man. “I’d been in a fraternity and had girlfriends. Being gay hadn’t really crossed my mind,” he says.

After completing his degree, Mark moved to London in 1972 and found work in the film industry. “I realised my sexuality was nothing to be ashamed of and told all my friends,” he says. Andrew, 73, spent a year in Virginia after his studies, before moving to Edinburgh to complete a PhD. By the early 70s, he too had begun to explore his sexuality, and was secretary of the Edinburgh University GaySoc. “Some friends told me that Mark had come out. They said: ‘He’s done just about everything bar putting out a personal ad to tell everyone he’s queer.’” In the autumn of 1974, he called Mark. “I was going for dinner with a mutual friend of ours, so I invited him to come along,” says Mark. “I spotted Andrew on Shaftesbury Avenue and he looked totally different. He’d shaved off the Gilbert and Sullivan sideburns he’d had at university.”

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The new summer of love: ‘People are desperate to have sex – it’s been a long year’

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Whether single, curious or just plain horny, many people are planning to make the most of life after lockdowns. Are we ready to get up close and personal?

The past year has changed 35-year-old Georgie’s outlook on dating. Several disappointing socially distanced dates and limp text exchanges meant she stopped using dating apps at the beginning of 2021. And now her parents have been vaccinated, she feels confident about returning to physical dates, “but not to the apps”, she says. “As things open up, I’m going to lean into spontaneity; I’m going to say yes to every invitation and seize every opportunity. If I feel a connection with someone at a social gathering, a festival or even a bus stop, I’ll go and talk to them. I’m going to be way more carpe fucking diem about it.”

Liam, 25, lives in Manchester and has never had a serious relationship. He can’t wait to meet people in real life: “If I never have another conversation via Zoom or WhatsApp, I’d be very happy – especially within my love life.” He gave up on dating apps this year, and is looking forward to the return of proper flirtation. “Vibing with someone on an app or a screen is not the same as seeing someone across a room and feeling that excitement in your stomach. That’s what I need right now.”

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I’m 24 and my life was pretty sorted out, until I fell deeply in love with a man of 51 | Leading questions

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Staying with this man will mean bracing for uncomfortable questions, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But it’s what you feel, not what others think, that really matters

I am a 24-year-old lawyer. I like to think that my life is pretty sorted out but nine months ago, I fell deeply in love with a man of 51. This is hugely surprising to me – but it’s the most amazing relationship I could have imagined. He’s sensitive, kind, funny, generous and in my eyes, very good looking. The problem is ... the age gap! I wonder what I should think about this. I’m generally a conservative person who doesn’t like to shock public opinion.

Now, for the first time in my life, I’m facing a big decision: whether to go with this beautiful man or to give him up and go down a more traditional path. I should add: I don’t want children ever and nor does he.

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How we met: ‘I mistakenly drank his contact lenses’

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Hannah and Nav, both 34, met at university in 2005. After an awkward start they became a couple and now live together in St Albans with their two children

The first photograph of Hannah and Nav was taken in freshers’ week, when they started at Cambridge University in 2005. “We must have been introduced then but neither of us can remember it,” says Hannah. “That whole week was a bit of a blur.” She does remember seeing him around campus. “He had grey contact lenses, which looked striking on an Indian person.” Hannah was living on a busy corridor, and Nav would often visit to socialise. “I remember she looked really hard to impress. I think I was a bit scared of her,” he says.

During the second year, they joined the same hockey team and got to know each other better. In early 2007, they went to Dublin together on a sports trip, where the friendship started to blossom. By the third year they had become flirty, but it wasn’t until Nav sent a drunken Facebook message that Hannah knew how he felt. “I wrote our surnames with the word ‘relationship’ and a question mark, then a load of Ps because I fell asleep on my keyboard,” he laughs. He deleted it the next day, but Hannah had already received the email alert. “I could see he’d sent me this drunk message and deleted it but I was actually really happy,” she says.

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How we met: ‘He turned up with two bottles of rioja. We hit it off straight away!’

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Pedro, 53, and Emma, 45, met in 2010 when he was visiting the UK from Spain. Despite the language barrier, they fell in love and now live together in Extremadura with their three dogs

Emma had always pictured herself with a family. But, by 2010, she hadn’t met the right person and was feeling lost. “I was a teacher in Tunbridge Wells at the time,” she says. “I really wanted to be a mum. I was 35, which was my self-imposed ‘deadline’.”

Over the August bank holiday weekend, she went to a friend’s barbecue, where she spotted a man she had never seen before. “He had a deep tan and was wrapped in a big coat. I knew he wasn’t English.” Pedro was a language student who was staying with Emma’s friend, Jenny. “I came to improve my English and had the option to stay with a family. I thought I’d learn more,” he says. They tried to chat, but struggled to understand each other. “My friend told me he was married with children,” she says.

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How we stay together: ‘It’s like the bow on a present or the icing on a cake’

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Jayne and Jodie first got together in a way they describe as ‘so unplanned and so random’, but two decades on they’re more settled than ever

Names: Jodie Nancarrow and Jayne Watson
Years together: 20
Occupations: retired

“It was a one-night stand that’s lasted for 20 years,” jokes Jodie Nancarrow about her enduring relationship with wife Jayne Watson. And despite the casual start and some challenging times, their commitment to each other is still going strong.

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