Ask Philippa: meet the Observer’s brilliant new agony aunt

As psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry becomes our new agony aunt, she reveals why helping you with your worries will help us all. Plus, a special welcome from Jay Rayner

John Dunton founded the Athenian Mercury in the 1690s. A paper that consisted of readers’ questions and the answers. His idea was that readers could send in dilemmas to be answered by a panel of experts, the Athenian Society. But his great innovation was that they could do so anonymously and this has remained a feature of problem pages ever since. Poor old Dunton could have done with some advice himself, because he ended his days in poverty as he was a better innovator than he was a business person. He blamed his woes on other people rather than taking responsibility for his own failings. I think an agony aunt today might have spotted that for him and possibly saved him from destitution.

His panel of experts, depicted as 12 learned men with him in the centre in an engraving at the top of the pages, were largely fictitious. It was just Dunton and a couple of mates who went through all the letters in a coffee shop.

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My sex life has dropped off. Is my marriage at risk?

How often you have sex is not what counts, what really matters is the attention that you pay to each other

The question I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have two children and are very happy and enjoy being together. But one area does bother me: our sex life has dwindled, particularly since we had children. We used to have sex daily and it was great. But, as time went on and our children arrived, I find that we’re just too tired to have sex as often.

Our first child was born prematurely and spent time in neonatal intensive care. We both found that difficult and I think that I am still traumatised by it. My husband says it’s the past and that we should not dwell on that trauma. He’s right, but I can’t seem to help it.

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Four unhelpful myths about dementia: ‘Our bleak view is often unjustified’

Enduring myths lead to an undue anguish and reluctance to seek help for dementia. If you’re aware of them, prevention and delay are possible

A fear of dementia looms large in the minds of many, and understandably so. It is a condition with potentially devastating effects – incurable, progressive and which threatens to rob us of the essence of who we are. It is also a condition surrounded by unhelpful myths, however, and our bleak view is often unjustified. Prevention or delay are possible, and much can be done to help even if dementia develops.

The first myth is that memory loss is an inevitable part of dementia. This is not the case and may lead to under-recognition of the condition. Memory loss is the archetypal symptom of dementia due to Alzheimer’s disease – the most common cause of dementia – but dementia can be due to numerous disease processes and these may lead to other symptoms. As an example, frontotemporal dementia may present first with changes in personality and behaviour, or with language problems. Vascular dementia symptoms vary according to which part of the brain has compromised blood supply. Any change in cognitive function – not just memory, but language, social cognition, visuospatial abilities and the like – should prompt you to seek medical advice.

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In praise of fathers: the making of the modern dad

Once they were only seen as breadwinners and disciplinarians. A leading anthropologist highlights 10 ways in which the role of fathers has been transformed

The role of dads in the UK has changed beyond all recognition in the past 50 years. Today, fathers no longer want to be limited to the role of family breadwinner and disciplinarian; they want to be true co-parents, providing nurture and care to their children. This change is due in part to the rise of two-earner households, reductions in hospital-based post-birth care and an absence of geographically close extended family, requiring dad to step in. But as we in the research community have learned more about who dad is biologically and psychologically, and the unique role he plays in the family, fathers have felt empowered to get involved, safe in the knowledge that they are as important to their kids and family as mum is.

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How a cancer diagnosis inspired a fresh outlook for one young musician

At the age of just 22, the very last thing you want to hear is that you have stage 4 cancer, but for some people the only response is to tackle it head on – which is just what Ellie Edna Rose-Davies did

I barely noticed it at first. A bump on the right side of my neck, small but definite. I was 22 and had no health issues (I’d never even broken a bone), so I didn’t think much of the lump. But my boyfriend was concerned, so I made an appointment to go to the GP.

For the next few months, I would see and feel more lumps spreading up my neck, and even larger ones under my armpits. I went to the doctor three times, where I was told: “It’s not cancer” and that I had “nothing to worry about”.

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David Schwimmer: ‘I was a roller-skating waiter’

The actor, 54, on childhood activism, studying drama at Oxford, bringing up his daughter and learning to fight the good fight

My parents are my heroes. I marvel how they were able to work as young lawyers while keeping family as a priority. They raised my sister and me with a hyper-awareness of justice, equality and gay rights. I have memories of protesting on picket lines. It really informed my worldview and perspective.

I wanted to be a surgeon. I was fascinated by the human body: I knew everything about the lymphatic, the vascular and the skeletal systems. I was a big science geek, but I found that I could talk to more girls in acting class than in the science lab. So that kind of derailed my medical career.

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I’ve been delivering babies for 50 years. What exactly is a ‘normal birth’?

Pursuit of ‘normal birth’ has sometimes compromised the safety of mothers and babies, with consequences for maternity care

When I was a medical student and junior doctor, the terms most commonly used to describe a vaginal birth without the use of instruments such as forceps or vacuum extractor were SVB (spontaneous vaginal birth) or SVD (spontaneous vertex delivery – the vertex is the top of the baby’s head).

Gradually, in the late 1980s and 1990s, there appeared in the lexicon the words “normal birth”. This was part of the reaction against the perceived high rates of interventions in pregnancy and labour, and the desire of women to take more control over their own bodies, something I support.

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Fashion returns to catwalks as Dior takes over Athens ancient stadium

Cruise collection at Panathenaic stadium includes pieces inspired by contemporary Greece

The 2,000-year-old Panathenaic stadium in Athens could hold 70,000 on marble seats for the first modern Olympics in 1896. So there was plenty of room in the front row at Dior’s catwalk show at the venue this week, where the guest list was capped at 400.

Despite most international buyers, editors and clients watching from home on their laptops, Dior’s Cruise collection was a blockbuster live event. The brand was keen to point out that the ancient stadium made for a responsible choice of venue, being well-ventilated and spacious. It was also undeniably grand, especially when backlit by fireworks and soundtracked by a full orchestra. A mostly Greek and Italian audience were joined by the Greek president, Katerina Sakellaropoulou, and the actor Anya Taylor-Joy.

The catwalk show remains fashion’s most powerful lever for generating attention and prestige. For luxury brands who are watching profits dwindle – and observing with envy, as the cult leggings label Lululemon announces 88% revenue growth in the first quarter of this year – there is a strong business case for keeping the catwalk alive. But there is more at stake here than luxury brand profits and designer egos. Catwalk shows are symbolic of fashion’s identity as a creative art as well as a business. They give fashion a voice in wider conversations. It is in this spirit that Kerby Jean-Raymond, the first Black American designer to show at Paris haute couture, will next month livestream his Pyer Moss catwalk show from Villa Lewaro, the elegant Hudson River estate built by Madam CJ Walker, the African American entrepreneur who was America’s first self-made female millionaire.

Now designers are pulling out all the stops to lure hearts and minds away from trainers and drawstring waists and back to dressing up. Dior’s Athens spectacular is just one of a raft of upcoming fashion blockbusters. Earlier this week, Louis Vuitton staged and filmed a space-tourism themed catwalk show outside Paris, without a live audience. Max Mara are taking their catwalk to the Italian island of Ischia next week, while Valentino and Saint Laurent have announced catwalk shows in Venice in July.

For the Dior designer, Maria Grazia Chiuri, each catwalk collection is “an immense atelier for research and imagination. For a creative person, it is a beautiful thing to do, an opportunity to collaborate”.
Chiuri used the Athens show to explore how the relationship between a prestigious Parisian fashion house and the global cultures and traditions which appear as references on its catwalk has evolved. In 1951, a famous set of pictures by the photographer Jean-Pierre Pedrazzini showed models in Christian Dior ballgowns posing in front of the sculpted female figures of the Caryatids of the Acropolis, mirroring their graceful poses. Seventy years later, Chiuri is aware that a French fashion house using an ancient Greek monument as mere stage props for its latest silhouette would not fly with modern sensibilities.

“As a designer, if you are careless, then you diminish beauty and culture so that it becomes a cliche,” she said. “That is what we work to avoid – we were very focused on what is contemporary to Greece now.” The collection shown on this catwalk will provide work for local Greek fashion businesses, with houndstooth pieces woven at the Silk Line, an Eastern Macedonian factory which uses traditional Greek jacquard techniques. The Greek fisher’s caps on the catwalk were made by Atelier Tsalavoutas, which has manufactured the caps since the 19th century. In a statement, the house of Dior emphasised their respect for the iconic venue, where they “worked hand in hand with Greek archeologists to ensure the site’s complete and unconditional preservation”.

Travel is a fantasy for most people right now – but billionaires have had a very different experience of the pandemic. On 20 July, the 11-minute inaugural staffed flight of Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket will inaugurate the era of space tourism. If it is a success, the 1% will soon be needing a new holiday wardrobe.

So for Louis Vuitton’s latest catwalk show the house’s creative director, the lifelong space travel enthusiast Nicolas Ghesquière, created the ultimate new season capsule wardrobe: a space capsule wardrobe. Images of an escalator leading up to a planet, surfers on an moonscape beach, and a motel car park in an alien landscape were emblazoned on to spacesuit-quilted trousers, Courrèges-style futuristic flat boots, and gravity-defying ovoid silhouettes. “It is a fantasy that has become real, now that it has turned into a competition between titans,” said Ghesquière in a videocall after the livestream of the show, which was filmed without a physical audience. The designer is keen to make a trip himself. (“But not the first flight. I’m not that brave.”)

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Linen condoms and bed curtains: tour exposes history of sex in Scotland

National Trust for Scotland presents exploration of intimacy from 17th to 20th century

The chafing doesn’t bear thinking about. A replica linen condom secured with a dainty blue ribbon is one of the more wince-inducing props for a new exploration of the history of sex and intimate lives in Scotland.

The other material used to fashion prophylactics in the 17th century was animal gut, which was dried then rehydrated at the crucial moment. The Edinburgh-born diarist James Boswell writes about dipping one in a river before intercourse. He was adamant about their use to ward off venereal disease, but still recorded numerous painful bouts of infection in his journals.

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Could Chrissy Teigen just try sending a text next time? | Harron Walker

After apologizing on Monday, Teigen was accused of bullying Michael Costello, who then was accused of bullying Leona Lewis. Maybe it’s time to pause the posts

In 2018, the New Republic deputy editor Katie McDonough wrote a piece for Jezebel that I spiritually consult to this day. (Full disclosure: I was a Jezebel contributor at the time.)

“Why tweet when you can text?” she asked, and … well, that’s basically it. Sometimes, you can just text the thing you want to tweet.

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‘It has the feel of a little local pub!’: Guardian readers on their extraordinary DIY sheds

From an allotment shelter built out of old doors to a storage shack turned into a chapel, here are some of the best of our readers’ creations

This is my pandemic project: a garden pub shed, called the Doghouse. It is custom-built from timber with a Firestone rubber roof. Lockdown finally gave me the time to build it and I tried to reuse or recycle materials where I could. The doors and windows were from a friend’s old conservatory. The timber herringbone and boards, plus the back bar shelving, are pallet wood, which I burnished with a chainmail pad, and oiled to give it a nice worn look. I built the bar and canopy from scratch using leftover framing timber. The bench was built from a recycled bed headboard and I used a mattress for the seat. The table and chairs were a local Gumtree find, and the bar memorabilia and pumps were from eBay. I’m probably proudest of the bar. It has the feel and character of a little local pub – we often eat dinner there for a change of scenery. Our two children love it. But we will, of course, still support our local pub whenever we can. Gavin Thomasson, 42, design manager, Ipswich

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The internet’s not all bad: how a tweet led my dad to his dream job at Costco

After being laid off during Covid, my dad set his heart on a job at Costco. I told Twitter about it – cue a social media explosion

Nearly a year after he’d been laid off because of Covid, my dad – a jubilant, always-smiling, 58-year-old Michigander best known for befriending everyone he meets – told me he wanted to go back to work.

Specifically, he wanted to work at Costco.

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The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in Britain’s bedrooms

A recent survey suggested a shockingly high proportion of women have been sexually assaulted by a partner as they slept. Now more and more are speaking out

Niamh Ní Dhomhnaill had been with her partner for almost a year when she discovered that he’d been raping her while she slept. At the time, she was 25, and a language teacher in a Dublin secondary school. Her partner, Magnus Meyer Hustveit, was Norwegian. The couple had moved in together within a few months of meeting, but things were tense. It wasn’t a happy relationship.

On that particular night, Ní Dhomhnaill had been out with Hustveit and other friends, but left early, alone, because she felt unwell. “I’d only drunk water but I’d gone to bed and was out for the count,” she says. “I didn’t hear Magnus come back, which is unusual because I’d always been a light sleeper.”

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Great strides: how Annie Hall’s ‘dad pants’ conquered the world

After a year of loungewear and dressing from the waist up, these tailored but informal trousers have won over everyone from Kendall Jenner to the Duchess of Cambridge

Scrolling through the Instagram page of model and Kardashian scion Kendall Jenner, one photo, posted on 28 April, stands out. In this one, she’s not on a Vogue cover or the deck of a yacht, but crossing a New York street. And instead of a bikini or cycling shorts and a crop top, she’s wearing a pair of tailored beige trousers, cinched with a black leather belt, pleated and full in the hip, loose of leg, teamed with a white T and an oversized shirt. It’s one part Diane Keaton in Annie Hall, one part Katharine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story, one part Kennedy weekending at Martha’s Vineyard.

Two weeks later, Danielle Haim wore an identical pair of pale, full, elegantly tailored trousers on the red carpet at the Brits, just a few days after model and entrepreneur Rosie Huntington-Whiteley posed on her Instagram in the same. (Fashion sleuths point to the Igor Pant by The Row, for sale at a cool £860, as being the originator of this trend.) In the last week of May, Jennifer Lawrence was photographed in New York wearing creamy front-pleat trousers with a cropped white T-shirt on the same day that the Duchess of Cambridge, more usually a dress-wearer, wore a slightly darker pair to attend the opening of a new hospital in Kirkwall, Scotland. International travel might be virtually grounded, but there is no stopping the global spread of this look.

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Fag end: 21 unusual ways to quit smoking, from changing your teeth to taking more showers

If patches, hypnosis and self-help books don’t work, maybe it’s time to think laterally. Readers reveal the unlikely methods that encouraged them to kick the habit

I smoked 10 to 20 a day, but finally quit 11 years ago. I found getting a glass of water when the cravings hit worked really well. By the time I went to the kitchen, poured it and drank it, the peak of the craving had usually passed. It also helped me to realise that you can ride out a craving. The first three weeks were the hardest. Michael, artist and educator, Scotland

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‘It was so nasty. He laughed in my face’: How to love and trust again after a big romantic betrayal

When a long-term partner cheats on you it can be devastating, but it is possible to move on in time. Here, experts and Guardian readers explain how best to rebuild your life

Sarah and her husband were anchored in a remote harbour – more than a year into their round-the-world sailing voyage, and decades into their relationship – when she read a message on his tablet that made her collapse to the floor of their boat. It was from a man on a gay pornography website. Others like it revealed six years of betrayal by her husband, including a long-term relationship with a married man.

Sarah was one of many Guardian readers who responded to our invitation to share experiences of betrayal. Although every respondent’s circumstances were unique, and they were of different nationalities, backgrounds, ages and sexualities, there was one thing that linked all their experiences: mind-shattering suffering. I could understand why in his Inferno Dante reserved his ninth and deepest circle of hell for those who committed treachery. Avishai Margalit, the philosopher and author of On Betrayal, tells me that whether we are reading Dante or the Bible, Shakespearean tragedy, Greek mythology or Guardian readers’ stories, we can empathise with the pain of someone betrayed. It endures across time and space, culture and history.

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The male beauty myth: the growing acceptance of feeling comfortable looking good

Men who want to look good used to be disparaged and labelled vain. But times are finally changing…

Until recently, male motivation for looking good or strong was often born from an inherent desire for us to feel and appear more successful, competitive, virile and powerful – what some now refer to as toxic masculinity.

Of course, there have always been men who’ve enjoyed discussing clothes, watches, even grooming regimes but, for many, this open appreciation of what they wore was often merely a game of one-upmanship disguised as an appreciation of the finer things in life. Think of the 1980s and its bullish Wall Street status stamps, such as pinstripe suits and red braces (Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko); the scene in American Psycho where rival stockbrokers battle over business cards, like a game of Top Trumps. Or in the 1990s, when showing off got even easier and even off-duty symbols such as underwear, jeans and luggage were plastered with a riot of logos.

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Celebrity buzz: how stars’ bedroom toys have got us all talking about sex

With famous users leading a rebrand, pleasure accessories lose their stigma in a £90bn health and wellness boom

Lily Allen has one. Cara Delevingne has one. Dakota Johnson has developed her own range. Is the celebrity sex toy 2021’s answer to the celebrity perfume?

For some, getting busy has been the last thing on the menu during the pandemic. Study after study, from India to Italy, has revealed that lockdown libido loss is real and that stress has killed the buzz in the bedroom. Sexual wellness, on the other hand, has reached a dizzying peak. Not only has the conversation around sexual pleasure changed for generation Z, but the industry attached to it – from apps to toys, herbal supplements to specialist oils – is also booming.

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No more emails: why I’m walking from Land’s End to John o’Groats

As a government civil servant, I was burnt out from working on Brexit and Covid and needed a change of scene. Trekking the length of Britain is just the tonic

It’s 7.30pm on 29 April and I’m standing alone on the highest hill in this part of Cornwall. The sun is bright and eager, dancing with dainty flashes on the waves west towards Newquay. But I’m wrapped in everything I have – two pairs of thick socks, leggings, trousers, T-shirt, two long-sleeved T-shirts, jumper, fleece, jacket, snood, hat – and still the wind reaches its long fingers down my neck to grip my spine. It is one degree above freezing; in less than a week it will snow on Dartmoor.

In fact, this is more than a hill. This is Castle an Dinas, one of those iron age forts to which schoolchildren are taken to be underwhelmed by ditches and mounds. The dog walkers who came up earlier weren’t cowed by antiquity: each allowed their charges to mess, tongues wagging. Watching the deposits stirs in me something I was repressing. For the four days I’ve been on the road, public toilets have been there when needed. A threshold is about to be crossed. I’m going wild.

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Farewell Mariella: ‘I wanted to say thanks’

After almost 20 years, our much-loved agony aunt is signing off. Here, our readers reveal how she’s helped them

Dear Mariella, I just wanted to let you know that not long after your column started I wrote to you. I was in utter despair as my husband had left and I think I was having a breakdown. I thought at the time your reply was quite harsh. However, you were right, I did need to get a grip and concentrate on my children.

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