How we met: ‘He was in a shell suit and trainers – I asked him to go back and change‘

Linda and Ian Whitehouse met on holiday on the Greek island of Lefkada in 1990. They live in a village near Hull, Yorkshire, with their cat

In the summer of 1990, Ian Whitehouse was coming out of a bad relationship. “I decided to look for a last minute holiday,” he says. “I saw an offer for a trip to Lefkada in Greece, departing from Gatwick, so I drove down from Hull.”

Linda was also newly single and looking forward to the same holiday. “I was living in London and had booked nine months before,” she says.

Continue reading...

From Click Frenzy to Cyber Monday: how online sales became an ‘unofficial sport’

It isn’t your imagination – there really are more online sales now, and they’re changing Australia’s retail calendar

Five stores email you on the same day. There’s a big sale coming tomorrow. You make a note in your calendar, planning to get some Christmas shopping done. By the time you log off the next day, a little dazed, you have an extra set of bedsheets and a popcorn machine you had no intention of buying.

It was that pop-up offer that did you in – a little red ticker ran across the screen saying “Hurry! Only three items left!” It was probably driven by a machine-learning algorithm.

Continue reading...

Gabriel Byrne: ‘It’s an obscenity to tell innocent children they’re going to hell’

The actor’s autobiography confronts the abuse he experienced at the hands of the church. But he has just as much contempt for Hollywood – and US presidents from Obama to Trump

Forget the pollsters. If you wanted to know the outcome of last week’s US election, you just had to ask Gabriel Byrne. I did, a month ago. I wish I had gone to the bookies.

Byrne was in London on the way back to his farm in Maine, where he lives with his wife and three-year-old daughter. It’ll be wafer thin, he said, Biden’s margin is miles slimmer than anyone predicts. He called it in 2016, too.

Continue reading...

Is it ever good to be spiteful?

Would you harm yourself just to get at someone else? Spite is in us all, but there are unexpected benefits to it

On a memorable episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, the curmudgeonly protagonist Larry David is angered by the lukewarm lattes at his local café so he opens a “spite” café. It is an identical coffee shop and right next door, but everything is cheaper. He runs it at a personal financial loss, but is driven by the thought of putting his neighbour out of business. It is magnificently mean-spirited, petty, spiteful – and humorous.

A murkier question is can spite be good? It seems counterintuitive to put an optimistic spin on behaviour that, by definition, involves hurting others while incurring harm to yourself. But a new book by Simon McCarthy-Jones explores its benefits. “Spite came from the darkness… It seeks to harm the other and to bring about changes in dominance. Yet it can help us into the light,” writes McCarthy-Jones, an associate professor in clinical psychology and neuropsychology at Trinity College in Dublin. “Spite is a sword of Damocles dangling over our interactions. It has made society fairer and more co-operative.”

Continue reading...

Nigel Slater’s recipes for mushroom soup, and edamame fritters

Here’s how to bring cheer to soggy winter days with hot soup and fritters

The damp days of early autumn send me, spoon in hand, in search of soup. Cloudy miso broths the colour of fallen leaves, old fashioned leek and potato so hot it steams up my glasses, sweet pumpkin, and in particular a bowl of deep and earthy mushroom.

I rarely make cream soups, but a splash stirred into a chestnut mushroom soup is no bad thing on a soggy day. Made with standard brown mushrooms, it is a cheap enough recipe, but I sometimes include a handful of interesting varieties, such as porcini, king oyster or chanterelle, fried with a knob of butter, at the end.

Continue reading...

How long Covid forced me to confront my past and my identity

For years, I repressed thinking about three things that shaped my life and my body. But the fourth blow of coronavirus pushed it all out into the open

For six years now, I have been writing down three good things that have happened in my day, every day. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are. It could be having pastries in bed. Spotting a fox in the garden. Successfully descaling a kettle. I do not call this my gratitude journal, because I am not a motivational wellness blogger. But I have found it vital, in order to rewire my brain to focus on the things that have gone right. Left unattended, my thoughts have a tendency to slip into a downward spiral, to somewhere much darker.

I grew up in Italy, where there is a saying: “Non c’è due senza tre”, which roughly means “Good (or bad) things come in threes”. For most of my adult life, there have been three main issues that have preoccupied my thoughts when I’m lying in bed at night. I have guarded them preciously: I barely mention them, even to my closest friends. But, sometimes, repressing thoughts takes more effort than confronting them.

Continue reading...

Inseparable for 44 years – the couple banned from touching because of Covid

Trish Walker’s husband Chris is in a care home, and she has been allowed to speak to him for only an hour a day

They met on a blind date and married nine months later. For the next 44 years, Chris and Trish Walker were inseparable. Until the pandemic.

For the past eight months, Trish has not been allowed to touch her husband and has only been able to speak to him for just over an hour, even though he has already had – and recovered from – Covid-19.

Continue reading...

Dalliance, affair, love, intimacy: how should we approach sex as we age?

As sex lives ebb, the wider world can get more interesting. Robert Dessaix asks, does it really matter if we’re out of the sexual running, even in a society as sex-obsessed as ours?

If the Roman poet Lucretius is to be believed, the whole universe is “a dance with Venus” – a sexual performance. “Love” just provides some of the footwork for amicable copulation. Or something to that effect. In his day, of course, with high child mortality and a ripe old age far from assured, reproduction must have been at the top of everyone’s list.

Nowadays, in the west, average life expectancy is much longer than it was in Rome at the beginning of the first millennium – indeed, a quarter of the population where I live can hardly walk in a straight line without assistance, let alone cavort around Venus’s dancefloor – yet we are still fixated as a society on arousal and performance. What is the point of living on into old age in such a society? Why soldier on? Even if you could still dance, who would dance with you?

Continue reading...

Daphne Guinness: ‘Making music is the most fun I’ve had’

The designer and singer, 52, reflects on living next door to Salvador Dali as a child, her brush with death and why she never looks in the mirror

I’m told that I had a difficult childhood. I had a lot of freedom, but there was a lot of drama. It was a childhood of extremes.

I was bullied by my history teacher. He’d say, “Well, your grandmother is a fascist [Diana Mitford, wife of Oswald Mosley], so you’re getting a D in this essay,” and I was like, “What does that have to do with it?” I didn’t retrench into just thinking, “Oh gosh, they’re just being mean to me.” I went to Auschwitz. I went to the Holocaust camps. I did a lot of deep research, which was pretty heavy in my teens. But it was something I needed to resolve to understand why I was being bullied. It took me a long time to realise that I didn’t have to be defined by the place that I came from.

Continue reading...

Couples ‘heartbroken and exhausted’ as English weddings cancelled – again

Couples alter weddings up to four times amid constantly changing Covid rules

They have had to reschedule the best day of their lives not once, twice or thrice – but four times. Now couples forced to alter their wedding plans repeatedly due to changing coronavirus measures have told of being left “heartbroken and exhausted”, amid a lack of government support for the wedding industry.

Under the regulations for England’s second national lockdown this week, weddings will not be permitted to take place except where one of those getting married is seriously ill and not expected to recover. These ceremonies will be limited to six people, leaving thousands more couples scrambling to rearrange their nuptials.

Continue reading...

My father-in-law criticises my parenting. How do I deal with that?

I wonder if, far from disliking you, he actually quite likes and admires you, says Annalisa Barbieri. He clearly wants your attention

My husband’s parents live nearby and have been a great support since my son was born last year (my family live abroad). They regularly help out with childcare and, despite a few minor differences of opinion, we trust them and are grateful we can rely on them when we need a helping hand.

But my father-in-law has become very critical of me. He regularly makes hurtful comments, always aimed at me, even when it’s something involving my husband. Often the comments get laughed off by other people or just ignored. I tend not to respond to them – I clam up when I’m hurt or embarrassed.

Continue reading...

Fur is out of favour but stays in fashion through stealth and wealth

As mink comes under the spotlight, many stars wouldn’t be seen dead in fur – but it remains a feature of certain luxury brands

Fur has never been less fashionable. In recent years a raft of designer labels – Gucci, Chanel, Versace, Armani, Coach and Prada, to name a few – have gone fur-free. In 2018, London fashion week banned fur from its catwalks.

Celebrities have given up fur too, from the queen of social media, Kim Kardashian West, who announced that she had “remade” all of her fur coats in fake fur in 2019, to the Queen of the UK, Elizabeth II, who renounced fur in “any new outfits” the same year.

Continue reading...

Sit! Stay! Get off my Zoom call! How to work from home – when your pet won’t let you

What do you do if your dog is chewing your computer lead or your moggy keeps deleting your emails? Animal behavioural experts give their advice for harmonious homeworking

I am sitting at my computer, in my office at the end of the garden, typing. On the other side of the door, the cat is staring at me through the glass. It is a hard stare. I know the cat wants to come in so that he can climb on to my desk and walk back and forth across my keyboard, deleting files and pressing Send prematurely. He knows that, if he does this with sufficient persistence, I will eventually feed him, even though I have already fed him. Anything, just to get a little work done. So the door remains shut, and I’m getting a stiff neck from trying not to make eye contact.

Pets were meant to be the great beneficiaries of the pandemic: with so many people furloughed or working from home, the dogs and cats of Britain would finally receive the attention they craved. And the food. Soon, however, people discovered that home-working and pet-owning were not entirely compatible. Cats don’t care if you are in the middle of a Zoom meeting. Dogs don’t understand deadlines. Some parrots make so much noise during the day that one charity recently reported a 70% annual increase in those needing rehoming. In the spring, the whole awkward arrangement seemed charmingly temporary but, as England locks down for a second time, many pet owners still have not found the right balance between work and the animals they care for – between cat and keyboard.

Continue reading...

I put my own makeup on for the first time – and saw my face in a whole new light

I had the tubes of moisturiser and foundation, the mirror with lights around it and, most importantly, a professional to guide me

I’ve always taken the view with makeup that it’s a bit like football refereeing: if you notice it, that’s a sure sign a bad job’s being made of it. By that measure, the many television makeup artists who have worked their magic on me over the years have done a fine job, because I’ve never really seen any difference. Sometimes they ask me what I “normally have” – a question for which I never have an answer. My only advice to them is to not bother doing anything with my hair, all attempts to adjust it being in vain.

This week, in the interests of Covid-compliant TV production, I lost my makeup-applying virginity. I had all the gear – the brushes, the tubes, the mirror with the lights around it – and I even had a nice masked and visored makeup artist. But she was only allowed to supervise; no touching permitted.

Continue reading...

‘During my husband’s illness, everything has fallen to me. How can I stop feeling trapped?’

Care-taking is difficult, consuming labour, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, and you deserve help in caring for yourself as well as him

I love my husband dearly. I took care of my parents for 15 years. I was their caregiver until they died. Afterwards my husband fell ill and for a year doctors have been trying to find out what is wrong. He is very depressed, sits in his chair all day and gets no exercise. I’ve tried to be patient to let him heal while the doctors continue to run tests. I am almost 70 years old. He is 59. Recently I find myself resentful of anything I have to do for him, because he doesn’t want to do anything to get better. Everything in our lives is left up to me, whether it’s paying the bills or physically taking care of the inside and outside our home. He won’t even take out the trash.

He is very, very depressed and now I am getting depressed and resentful that for the past year everything has fallen on my shoulders. I try so hard to be kind and not push him, because I know how tired he feels all the time. Please tell me what I can do to keep from feeling resentful and trapped.

Continue reading...

Fashion embraces disco as kitchen becomes dancefloor

Brands are getting in the groove for stay-at-home parties amid a 70s musical revival

With stay-at-home restrictions on the rise and England heading into its second lockdown, there is a surprising renaissance taking place in fashion and culture: disco.

Days before Kylie Minogue releases her new album, Disco, on Friday, John Lewis has unveiled its Christmas collection featuring a “kitchen disco two-piece” (a sparkly sweatshirt and joggers). The legendary Terry de Havilland label has announced its Disco collection featuring platform-heeled shoes in bold Studio 54 referencing colours.

Continue reading...

Heard lost public sympathy for standing up against Depp assaults, says QC

Abused women expected to be ‘meek and subservient’ to receive public sympathy, says QC

Amber Heard’s stand against Johnny Depp’s assaults should not have deprived her of public sympathy for suffering the ordeal of domestic violence, a leading human rights lawyer has said.

Heard was subjected to death threats and misogynistic attacks on social media during the libel trial that left her feeling “down and beleaguered”, according to Helena Kennedy QC, who met Heard while the case was before the high court.

Continue reading...

The fall of Johnny Depp: how the world’s most beautiful movie star turned very ugly

In the 1990s, he was a different kind of film star – eloquent, artistic and cool. But this week, with the loss of his court case against the Sun, the dream has decisively soured

Johnny Depp is “a wife-beater”. This is the verdict of the UK courts. Just writing that sentence feels genuinely shocking, and yet, by now perhaps, it should not. For a start, the allegation that he was physically abusive to his ex-wife Amber Heard emerged more than four years ago, after she applied for a temporary restraining order against him following their divorce, citing domestic abuse. It should also not be a shock, given how many other hugely famous men have been accused of abusing women. Sean Connery was alleged to have beaten his first wife and frequently defended hitting women. His death this weekend sparked online arguments about how much the coverage should focus on the professional achievements of a man who repeatedly insisted it was fine to hit women, “if the woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually”, as he said in 1965.

But Depp is a very different figure from Connery. The latter represented alpha masculinity and aggressive sexuality. No one ever said it explicitly, but Connery’s defences for beating women fit in, on some level, with his image, and so that side of him was never going to be a problem with his audience. Depp, however, represented something else. He sued the Sun for defamation when it described him as “a wife-beater”, something Connery would never have done, and it’s also why for a certain kind of fan (me), this feels like the death of yet another childhood hero.

Continue reading...

Japan’s ‘love hotels’ accused of anti-gay discrimination

Same-sex couples say hotels make excuses to turn them away despite 2018 law change

In May this year, at the height of the coronavirus’s first wave, two gay men living together in Amagasaki, western Japan, thought they would ease the boredom of the country’s soft lockdown with a visit to a love hotel, where couples pay for short stays to have sex.

But rather than the carefree time they had anticipated, the couple, in their mid-30s, did not even get as far as the door to their room.

Continue reading...