I worry constantly about the safety of my grown-up daughters | Dear Mariella

The dangers women face make your anxiety understandable, says Mariella Frostrup. However, you must – as we all must – keep worries to a minimum in order to live life

The dilemma I have four lovely children, all now adults and left home. I rarely worry about my sons, but I constantly, constantly fret about my daughters, who both live in shared houses in distant cities.

They are very good about keeping in touch, and sympathetic to my anxiety, but it is reaching unmanageable proportions. For example, if I look at WhatsApp, I might see that one daughter was on it, say, 30 minutes ago, but the other hasn’t been on it all day. I will then look to see when they were last active on Facebook. If she hasn’t been active on Facebook either, I will telephone her.

Continue reading...

Harry Connick Jr: ‘I love learning about women’

The singer, 53, on Mardi Gras parades, When Harry Met Sally, feeling thankful each day and the females in his family

I’d be completely different if I hadn’t grown up in New Orleans – there was music everywhere. So much of it was live. You could walk down a street at any time of the day or night and there would be people making music: a tuba player, horn players, bass drum players. And there would be brass bands and people dancing. All this was normal to me, and it wasn’t until I left that I realised how fortunate I’d been to be surrounded by this incredible diversity of live music. You feel its energy in the air.

Both my parents were lawyers. My father was the district attorney of New Orleans and my mother was a judge, so they were both in public service. From them I got ideas about trying to be vocal about change. The first thing I did, in 1993, was to start a Mardi Gras parade inclusive of everyone – men, women, black, white – because I thought people should be able to celebrate together. The parade is called Krewe of Orpheus. Today it’s the biggest, most beautiful parade in the whole of the New Orleans Mardi Gras.

Continue reading...

Experience: I’ve had the same supper for 10 years

I have two pieces of fish, an onion, an egg, baked beans and biscuits. Being a farmer means every day is the same

I have lived in the Teifi valley, in west Wales, all my life: 72 years. I’m a farmer and look after 71 sheep. My boyhood was spent helping my family on the farm. I have never wanted to run away from it, even as a young lad. This valley is cut in the shape of my heart. I once visited a farm in England, about 30 years ago; that was the only time I left Wales.

Many of the friends I grew up with left to find work in the big cities. As a young man, I was offered a job in Scotland on the oil rigs, but I could never leave. My heart belongs here with the birds and the trees. I knew, if I left, I’d be thinking about my valley the whole time, so what would be the point? All I want is right here.

Continue reading...

Married to the job: how a long-hours working culture keeps people single and lonely

Demanding bosses, impossible workloads, 24/7 email – no wonder many employees feel they have no time outside work to find love

Laura Hancock started practising yoga when she worked for a charity. It was a job that involved long hours and caused a lot of anxiety. Yoga was her counterbalance. “It saved my life, in a way,” she says.

Yoga brought her a sense of peace and started her journey of self-inquiry; eventually, she decided to bring those benefits to others by becoming a yoga teacher. She studied for more than eight years before qualifying. That was about 10 years ago; since then, she has been teaching in Oxford, her home town.

Continue reading...

‘I blamed myself’: how stigma stops Arab women reporting online abuse

Women in the Middle East and north Africa say social codes leave them unable to talk about social media abuse as pandemic pushes sexual harassment off the streets

The first pornographic picture sent shivers of shock through Amal as she stared in horror at the phone screen. Until now, she had responded politely to the older man who had been messaging her on Facebook, hoping to deter his questions about her life with curt, one-word replies.

More lurid pictures followed, some from pornographic magazines, others of the man himself in sexual poses. “I started to blame myself and feel that I invited this because I had replied to him,” says the 21-year-old, who is a university student in Amman, Jordan.

Continue reading...

Brain fog: how trauma, uncertainty and isolation have affected our minds and memory

After a year of lockdown, many of us are finding it hard to think clearly, or remember what happened when. Neuroscientists and behavioural experts explain why

Before the pandemic, psychoanalyst Josh Cohen’s patients might come into his consulting room, lie down on the couch and talk about the traffic or the weather, or the rude person on the tube. Now they appear on his computer screen and tell him about brain fog. They talk with urgency of feeling unable to concentrate in meetings, to read, to follow intricately plotted television programmes. “There’s this sense of debilitation, of losing ordinary facility with everyday life; a forgetfulness and a kind of deskilling,” says Cohen, author of the self-help book How to Live. What to Do. Although restrictions are now easing across the UK, with greater freedom to circulate and socialise, he says lockdown for many of us has been “a contraction of life, and an almost parallel contraction of mental capacity”.

This dulled, useless state of mind – epitomised by the act of going into a room and then forgetting why we are there – is so boring, so lifeless. But researchers believe it is far more interesting than it feels: even that this common experience can be explained by cutting-edge neuroscience theories, and that studying it could further scientific understanding of the brain and how it changes. I ask Jon Simons, professor of cognitive neuroscience at the University of Cambridge, could it really be something “sciencey”? “Yes, it’s definitely something sciencey – and it’s helpful to understand that this feeling isn’t unusual or weird,” he says. “There isn’t something wrong with us. It’s a completely normal reaction to this quite traumatic experience we’ve collectively had over the last 12 months or so.”

Continue reading...

‘Get the biggest cardboard box you can find …’ How to declutter your home as lockdown eases

Desperate to have a proper clearout after more than a year of semi-confinement? These expert tips will help you reclaim your living space

Now that we’ve all had more than a year of staring at nothing but the inside of our own homes, it’s becoming very apparent that we own far too much stuff. But, while a household clearout is a good idea in theory, it’s one that usually requires a bit of a run-up. If you’re struggling to get started, here are some expert tips.

Continue reading...

From Naked Attraction to Love Is Blind: The couples who found lasting love on wild TV dating shows

These series rely on gimmicks - whether contestants are required to take off all their clothes or get married at first sight. But romance can flourish regardless

After a half-century of dating shows, the genre has grown increasingly outlandish. Naked dating, marrying complete strangers, secret cameras – it can’t be long before singletons are blasted into space in one of Elon Musk’s rockets to find love. But behind all the gimmicks, do any of these shows lead to long-lasting love? We spoke to four couples.

Continue reading...

Moby on fame and regret: ‘I was an out-of-control, utterly entitled drink and drug addict’

He declared his intention to go away for a while after pointed criticism of his second memoir. But now the musician is back with a new album - and a visceral documentary

Moby is considering the question he is often asked in interviews: “Do I think I’ve been treated unfairly?” muses the 55-year-old musician, who, let’s face it, is hardly a stranger to terrible press. “Honestly, I don’t think I have been. I’m sure there are times when I’ve been portrayed badly and it was accurate. And even with some of the bad stuff I’ve been through, I don’t have any right to complain. When you look at the 8 billion people on the planet, a reasonably affluent caucasian cis-gendered male public figure musician is not necessarily the first person you think of as having valid criticisms about how they’re being treated.”

Moby is upbeat today – “I can’t think of many things to complain about besides baldness and mortality” – which is perhaps surprising given that the last time he was in the public eye, it involved rather a lot of the aforementioned terrible press. To summarise: in among the shocking confessions, rampant addiction and grotty sex of his second memoir, 2019’s Then It Fell Apart, was the claim that the “beautiful actress” Natalie Portman had asked him out when she was 20, at which point he would have been in his mid-30s.

Continue reading...

Me and my ‘she shed’: women on the joys of their garden retreats

Move over man caves! Now women are discovering what a life-saver their own private sheds can be

At the entrance to Angela Benjamin’s shed is a copper sign that reads: “She Cave”, and a deep purple clematis weaves its way through the letters. The shed is a simple wooden structure at the end of her garden in Ealing, west London that backs on to a cemetery – “so I don’t disturb anyone when I’m working!”

Continue reading...

Australian dogs poo the weight of the Sydney Harbour Bridge each month. Where should it go?

Pathogenic and methane-producing, poo is the worst part of pet ownership. But in South Australia, a group of enterprising pet owners are piloting solutions

I’ve always picked up my dog’s droppings with bittersweet feelings. There’s the gratification of doing the right thing, and the guilt for contributing to plastic waste. This was eased somewhat by using biodegradable bags, but there’s more work to be done.

Animal Medicine Australia estimates there are 5.1m dogs in Australia. A single dog produces approximately 340 grams of waste per day. That means Australia’s dogs drop a mind-boggling weight in poo, 1734 tonnes – equivalent to nine empty jumbo jets every day, or a Sydney Harbour Bridge’s worth monthly.

Continue reading...

How we stay together: ‘We’re the middle-aged couple walking down the street holding hands’

Angela Kitzelman and Don Jarmey joke their secret is having ‘no goals’, a philosophy that’s worked for the pair over more than three decades

Names: Angela Kitzelman and Don Jarmey
Years together: 36
Occupations: public servant and lab technician

“If you can travel together successfully, that is a sign of a strong relationship,” says Don Jarmey. “If you can sit for 41 hours on a bus from Istanbul to Budapest with about 2 metres of snow outside, where the bus stops three times in that 41 hours and you still love each other at the end, then yeah.”

Continue reading...

Ray Mears: ‘You won’t see me on I’m a Celebrity – I’ve done all those things for real’

The woodsman and TV presenter, 57, on trademarking his name, surviving a helicopter crash and planning for the worst

I grew up in the analogue age and feel very privileged. It encouraged me to look outside for stimulus and fostered a degree of self-reliance that we’ve lost. But I do think children today are given more reign to be themselves. My generation was not inspired to have spirit in a way you see so much now.

After I left school, I went to work in London. I can’t even remember what I did. I was in an office with 20 other people and everybody smoked. It was horrible and probably spurred me to go and work outdoors.

Continue reading...

My brother used to bully me. Now, when I hear from him, I panic

It’s OK not to take his call, says Annalisa Barbieri. You are not responsible for his happiness

I am 22 and my brother is 24. I am married with a child; he is single. We grew up in a rocky family situation and were removed from our parents’ care and placed in a children’s home when I was five and he was seven. I don’t remember much before that, but he bullied me a lot growing up. For a while now I’ve been dealing with anxiety related to him – every time I see his name pop up over text, I freak out. I hate it when he calls or visits and I feel drained afterwards. He doesn’t deal with rejection well, so I feel I have to take the call. Deep down he’s a good guy who has issues, but I really want to figure out why I have this anxiety with him; I don’t have this issue with anyone else. I can’t afford therapy but I’m trying my best to work this out.

It sounds as if you and your brother are dealing with trauma connected with your childhood. “Freaking out” when you see someone or their name pops up on a phone is a sign of this, and bullying is a trauma, quite aside from everything else you both suffered as children.

Continue reading...

A room with a view: the Twitter account that spent a year staring into people’s homes

As the pandemic forced us inside and online, Room Rater was one Twitter account giving doomscrollers a well-needed levity break. A year on, co-founder Claude Taylor explains how he plans to keep going

With its stately lamp and verdant window view, Hillary Clinton’s “Zoom room” is nicer than most. So when Room Rater – a Twitter account which scores the video conference backgrounds of high-profile figures – gave it nine out of 10 last spring, Clinton took her disappointment to social media: “I’ll keep striving for that highest, hardest glass ceiling, the elusive 10/10,” she tweeted at the account.

Judging the backgrounds on video calls has been the armchair sport of the past year. Room Rater just happened to screengrab these moments. As we doomscrolled through bleak statistics online, it was cheering to see shots of Meryl Streep’s sterile shelves or the copies of Fahrenheit 451 and The Twits propped up behind Boris Johnson at a school in Leicestershire. Scrolling through the posts a year after it launched, these images have become emblematic of just how quickly coronavirus forced all of us inside and online.

Continue reading...

‘Own your grey hair and be powerful’: women on no longer dyeing their hair

With hairdressers closed for most of the pandemic, we asked you to tell us why you stopped dyeing your hair and what it means to you

I had an epiphany one day. I couldn’t stand the demarcation line. My hair had been so damaged from all the processing. Covid had everything shut down. It was time. I didn’t feel it was necessary to hide behind hair dye any more. I took the shears to my own hair and mowed it all off. The second picture is two and a half months of new, fresh, regrowth.

Continue reading...

The dogs keeping office workers company through lockdown

Owners say taking four-legged friends to work helps tackle loneliness and livens up Zoom calls

“Dogs are just like ‘play, eat, sleep’ – they bring me back into the moment. I think we can all learn something from that,” says Carole Henderson, who has been taking her “furry backup” to the office for the last few months.

They are not so good at making the tea and things get a bit rowdy when the delivery man comes round, but Henderson’s labradors Barney and Rusty, and labradoodle Lily, have been her sidekicks for the last decade. As well as being excellent foot-warmers, they have helped her emotionally with getting through solo months in the office.

Continue reading...

Dog interrupts live weather report from Moscow – video

A correspondent's live weather report was interrupted by a dog who snatched her microphone and ran off with it. Nadezhda Serezhkina, who works for the Russian-language broadcaster Mir TV, could then be seen running after the dog who still had the colourful microphone in its mouth. The dog, and the damaged microphone, later joined Serezhkina for the end of her live broadcast

Continue reading...

Esther Perel on life after Covid: ‘People will want to reconnect with eros’

The acclaimed sex and relationships therapist talks pandemic breakups, the psychological toll of working from home and why she still feels like an outsider in America

A global pandemic tends to strain interpersonal relationships, and the world’s most famous couples therapist, Esther Perel, has been working to save as many as she can – or at least help us understand why they’re failing.

“We know that disasters and crises often function like relationship accelerators,” she tells me over Zoom, speaking from the office of her New York apartment. “A disaster heightens our sense of mortality, of precariousness, of ‘life is short’. And when life is short, you may say suddenly, ‘Let’s move in together, let’s have a child, let’s get married.’ Like, ‘What am I waiting for?’” But you might also say: “If life is short, I’m not doing this for another 20 years.”

Continue reading...