Emotional infidelity: the devastating, destructive love affairs that involve no sex at all

An affair doesn’t have to be physical to be intense – or to ruin a relationship. Guardian readers open up about bonding, betrayal and what happened next

Chloe had encouraged her husband to accept the new job. “I told him: ‘Life is too short to be unhappy.’”

The effect on him was transformative – but not in the way she had imagined. “One minute, he was a family guy, the next, he was always working late and going in early.” She found out why when she visited him one day at work.

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I got a camera to spy on my cat – and it made me question everything about myself

We document everything obsessively. And implicit in this compulsion is the suspicion that our lives are best understood at a distance – but what do we lose?

This summer I bought two in-home security cameras. I told people I got them because my cat was sick, and I required on-demand proof he was still alive. But the truth is, I just wanted to spy on him. There’s something about a cat sitting by itself on a couch, staring into the middle distance in an empty room, that is inherently funny. What are they thinking? When they slink off camera, where are they going?

The problem with getting a camera for your pets is that you also inadvertently get a camera for yourself. Years ago, when my ex and I got one for our cat, he once caught me eating Pringles on the couch and sent me a text: “Once you pop.” The camera, in those moments, was a comical imposition, fulfilling its duty of surveillance in precisely the ways we didn’t want.

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The real life Forrest Gump: why did Rob Pope run across the US five times?

Forrest Gump’s wisdom has inspired many of us, but Rob Pope took that a step further, dressing as his hero for the run of his life. But why? And what did he learn?

On 15 September 2016, Rob Pope, a chipper veterinarian from Liverpool, sat down in the chair of Fluke’s Barbers in Mobile, Alabama, and readied himself for a haircut. “So what would you like?” the barber asked him. Pope held up a photo of Forrest Gump. It had taken years of planning for Pope to embark on this trip to America, to make it to this barber’s chair. He’d spent countless hours daydreaming about it, building the momentum to go. As his job became ever more miserable – he was working 13-hour days, five days a week – the urge to escape became insurmountable. He quit and, along with his partner and fellow vet, Nadine, headed west.

In many ways, the seed for this adventure was sown in 2002. That was the year Pope’s mum, Cathy, died after a cancer diagnosis. Cathy was a medical laboratory scientific officer and a single parent. She raised Pope with grit, determination and heartfelt support of his passion: running. He’d shown promise at the sport since his school days when he took part in the oft-dreaded cross-country and excelled at it. Cathy would take him to his races, which soon became marathons. Marathons after marathons. To Pope she was a best friend, a rock, an inspiration, a support-crew leader. Before she died she asked him to make a promise: “Do one thing in your life that makes a difference.” These words echoed in his mind as he sat in that Alabamabarbershop, awaiting his turn beneath the clippers.

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Sniffing out a bargain: how dog-friendly are Britain’s shops?

With more retailers welcoming pets, our reporter ventures out with her puppy Calisto to see if we really are a nation of animal lovers

It’s a Saturday morning and I’m crammed into a small changing room, attempting to try on a new pair of trousers. It’s always a struggle with the multiple layers of autumnal clothing, and I’m even more flustered than usual. Because also crammed into the tiny space is a large dog, giving me a quizzical look and clearly wondering if this is the start of a new game. She quickly decides, yes, yes it is.

Dog ownership is booming. According to the Pet Food Manufacturers’ Association, there are 12.5m dogs in the UK this year, with 33% of households having a canine companion, while the Kennel Club is among the charities and organisations that have reported a surge in puppy ownership during the Covid pandemic.

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Baby it’s you: my fight to overcome infertility

After years of trying, Martha Hayes chose to have a child using an egg donor. It raised many painful questions. But when Maggie finally arrived it turned out she’d brought all her love with her

It’s 7pm on a weeknight when my husband Chris and I open our laptops, pour two glasses of wine and start browsing through profiles of women in their 20s. Attractive, interesting, available women. It’s the spring of 2020, we’ve been living in Los Angeles for a year (having relocated from London for work) and a couple of times a week, this has become our little routine.

I get a good feeling about a pretty blonde yoga teacher, then worry that she’s only 5ft tall. I love the idea of someone who works for Nasa, but I’m put off by her distinctive nose. I am swayed by a sense of humour and spirit for adventure; snobby about hobbies, fussy about ailments and firmly rule out anyone who resembles a party-goer on spring break. It’s an uncomfortable, confronting process. Am I really this superficial or judgmental?

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Stella Creasy on her lonely maternity cover battle: ‘Women should be able to have kids and do politics’

The Labour politician is used to fighting battles – but can she win her latest: convincing her colleagues to back proper maternity cover for fellow members?

Stella Creasy is dodging people on the pavement as we talk. She apologises for the background noise but it’s hard finding time for a conversation when you have a newborn son, a toddler daughter, and no proper maternity leave from a full-time job as Labour MP for Walthamstow; this walk to an appointment is the only window she has. Last month, she spoke in a Commons debate on childcare, baby Pip in a sling, sounding astonishingly composed for someone who had given birth four weeks earlier. I ask how she’s feeling and she laughs briefly and says: “Tired as hell, mad as anything.”

And then it all comes tumbling out: the night before that debate, she’d been in hospital with an infection she thinks was brought on by doing too much. The day after her caesarean, she was dialling into meetings with the defence secretary from hospital – she has had about 200 cases in her London constituency of people seeking help getting family members out of Afghanistan – and has barely stopped since. “There wasn’t any alternative,” she says. “These are people ringing up my staff threatening to kill themselves because they’re so worried about family members. You can hear the terror in their voices.” Meanwhile, she’s grappling with “the mum guilt” for not taking more time off, while struggling to be patient with people in parliament who ask how she is, only to back away when answered honestly. Having lost a battle with the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa) this summer over the maternity leave cover she wanted, Creasy refuses to draw a polite veil over the consequences. And if that means breaking the working mother taboo against admitting that everything is not in fact fine, then so be it.

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Yorkshire police poster warns against trick or treating this Halloween

Force says it is discouraging the activity this year along with organised events because of Covid

A police force in the north of England is trying to discourage children from trick or treating this Halloween because of Covid-19.

South Yorkshire police (SYP) have produced a poster residents can print out and put in their windows saying “No trick or treaters”, with a picture of a silhouetted pumpkin crossed out like a no-entry sign.

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‘I’m terrified it might be my last chance’: the rise of the pre-baby ‘stag do’

‘Dad dos’, or ‘Dadchelor parties’ – one last blow out for a father-to-be – are on the up. Are they just an excuse for a bender, or a crucial celebration for the modern, hands-on father?

‘Take a moment to say goodbye to your old life.” This is what Kit Harington said earlier this year, when asked what advice he’d give to fellow new parents. The actor, best known as the angst-ridden bastard prince Jon Snow in the fantasy series Game of Thrones, regretted not having held a proper celebration before the birth of his son in January.

Harington said he would have liked to mark the occasion “with a kind of stag”. “You’re so prepped about gearing up for being a parent that you forget. And then it’s too late. It’s gone.” Yet it’s the kind of sob story that’s likely to invite eye-rolls from mothers, for whom this approach to having a baby is not a matter of negotiation.

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Experience: I own England’s most haunted cottage

Lights switched on and off, and the temperature would suddenly change

In 1999, I was in my mid-40s and had just escaped from my stressful and joyless career as a management consultant. I needed a project. I loved small period buildings and decided to throw my energy into restoring one; I started combing through auction catalogues in search of a place.

Having failed to win a number of London houses that didn’t much inspire me anyway, I cast the net wider. My father would often give me advice over the phone. He persuaded me to focus on Derbyshire, a county my family has a strong connection to, and helped me identify what my ideal house would be like: stone-built, a south-facing garden, with at least two bedrooms and a workshop.

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Cop26: Meet nine fashion designers making real change

From upcycling to educating, Fashion Open Studio has enlisted nine pioneering designers for a series of online workshops to mark the United Nation Climate Change Conference

Is it actually possible to reduce the fashion industry’s impact on the environment? Nine pioneering designers from five continents are showing that it is. Masterminding a series of solutions to some of the challenges facing their own communities, they demonstrate what we can learn from local indigenous knowledge and how to work within the limits of our natural resources.

In the lead up to Cop26, the designers were asked to respond to the climate change talks’ themes of adaptation, resilience and nature for a series of online workshops created by Fashion Open Studio (the initiative set up by Fashion Revolution) in partnership with the British Council. If you happen to be in Glasgow between November 4 to 11, you can take part in workshop events around the city, or to watch previous events and find out about upcoming workshops online, check out fashionopenstudio.com/events. In the meantime, here are the nine names to know:

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‘I’m scared I’ve left it too late to have kids’: the men haunted by their biological clocks

It’s certainly not just women who worry about ageing and procreation – and now men have begun speaking about their own deep anxieties

It was when Connor woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom that he started thinking about it. The 38-year-old civil servant from London got back into bed and couldn’t sleep: he was spiralling. “I thought: ‘Shit, I might not be able to have children. It actually might not happen,’” he says.

“It started with me thinking about how I’m looking to buy a house, and everything is happening too late in my life,” Connor says. “Then I started worrying about how long it would take me to save again to get married, after I buy the house. I was doing the maths on that – when will I be able to afford to be married, own a house and start having kids? Probably in my 40s. Then I started freaking out about what the quality of my sperm will be like by then. What if something’s wrong with the child? And then I thought, oh no, what if me and my girlfriend don’t work out? I’ll be in an even worse scenario in a few years.”

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One tin of coconut milk – 17 delicious ways to use it, from lime dal to soda bread

This store-cupboard staple is fantastic in curries and works brilliantly in sweet dishes too, whether you fancy panna cotta, grapefruit cheesecake or a super-rich hot chocolate

Coconut milk has a reliable transformative power, turning humble ingredients into something exotic, enticing and a little festive. In a short amount of time, a couple of aubergines become aubergine curry, for example. Discovering a tin of coconut milk in the cupboard opens up possibilities.

But if you are not a regular user of the stuff, you may be alarmed to find that it’s one of a bewildering array of related by-products, including coconut water, coconut oil, coconut cream, creamed coconut (which comes in a block) and cream of coconut. Are any of these ingredients similar or interchangeable? Sort of. Coconut milk and coconut cream are both made from squeezing the grated flesh of the fruit, with coconut cream being the richer version from the first pressing. If you have a fresh coconut, it is possible to do this yourself.

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A moment that changed me: ‘Applying to be a spy felt thrilling – until a stranger approached me on a train’

One lunchtime, bored at work, I began the application process for MI5. It felt like a whirlwind romance, until an eerie and unexpected encounter

In 2010 I was 23, and had just moved to London from Manchester, where I had trained as a journalist. I had a dream job – a junior role on a magazine – but it turned out to be quite a miserable place. My manager was open about regretting having hired me and my confidence, which had never been high, plummeted. I was single, my friends were scattered all over the city, and I was renting a basement room with no windows that cost exactly half my monthly salary.

It was on one of these lonely days that a link popped up: MI5 was running a recruitment drive and it sent you to a verbal reasoning test that was part of the application process to become an intelligence officer – a spy, in other words.

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‘It is bullying, pure and simple’: being a woman in Japanese politics

Harassment is common for women who run for office and female MPs comprise just 9.9% of lower house

Mari Yasuda has come to dread checking her social media accounts. While a TV programme has tipped the candidate as “one to watch” in Japan’s general election this month, her anonymous correspondents make no secret of their belief that, as a woman, she should not be standing for parliament at all.

“They accuse me of sleeping with powerful men to get ahead or make abusive comments in calls to our office,” says Yasuda, who is contesting a seat in Hyogo prefecture for the opposition Constitutional Democratic party of Japan. “I receive emails from men remarking on my appearance or asking me for a date.”

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Boomerang boomers: the over-50s moving back in with their parents

Financial and relationship woes caused by Covid in the UK are driving a rise in older people returning to live with family

The Covid pandemic has led to growing numbers of baby boomers in Britain moving back in with their elderly parents, experts have said.

The reasons are varied, from the positive grown-up children ensuring their parents had care and company during lockdowns to the negative, including financial and relationship breakdowns.

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The last great mystery of the mind: meet the people who have unusual – or non-existent – inner voices

Does your internal monologue play out on a television, in an attic, as a bickering Italian couple – or is it entirely, blissfully silent?

Claudia*, a sailor from Lichfield in her late 30s, is not Italian. She has never been to Italy. She has no Italian family or friends. And she has no idea why a belligerent Italian couple have taken over her inner voice, duking it out in Claudia’s brain while she sits back and listens.

“I have no idea where this has come from,” says Claudia, apologetically. “It’s probably offensive to Italians.” The couple are like the family in the Dolmio pasta sauce adverts: flamboyant, portly, prone to waving their hands and shouting. If Claudia has a big decision to make in her life, the Italians take over.

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My mum the nun: why my socialite mother joined a monastery aged 61

Vivacious, wealthy and charismatic, my mother threw an extravagant party for her 61st birthday. She then left her friends and 10 children and spent the rest of her life as a cloistered nun

It was like a beehive. A buzzing mass of 800 guests gathered around the queen, their larder of honey replaced by shrimp croquettes and caviar. It was 32 years ago when my mother, Ann Russell Miller, threw a combination 61st birthday and bon voyage party in the grand ballroom of a San Francisco hotel. Above her floated a balloon, tied to her wrist and emblazoned with the phrase: “Here I am.” She manoeuvred about, dressed elegantly in sparkling black. Her makeup was flawlessly applied, her hair expertly coiffed, her shoes chosen from hundreds of exquisite pairs. But this was her last formal outfit. She would never wear makeup again. The following day her hair would be shorn close to her scalp and forever hidden under a veil. For the next three decades she would wear the simple brown habit, with sandals or work shoes, befitting her new life as a cloistered nun.

As the orchestra played the familiar strains of Happy Birthday, she could doubtless hear the echoes of birthdays past. The song played in Oregon and California during her youth. It was sung by her classmates at the Spence School on East 91st Street in New York. Her 21st birthday was spent newly married and five months pregnant. She would be in that condition more than 90 months of her life. By her 41st birthday she had completed her collection of five daughters and five sons. My father, who died when my mother was 55, was fond of saying that he had wanted 12 children and my mother wanted 10, so they compromised and had 10. She talked nearly nonstop on the telephone and in person. She had the exceedingly irritating ability to nap almost at will and wake up in such a manner as to make one doubt that she had been asleep at all. With charm and eccentricities to spare, she fairly skated through life with the benighted ease of the fabulously wealthy.

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Good vibrations: tapping in to ASMR

ASMR, the euphoric tingling certain sounds provoke, has created online superstars with millions of followers. Is it just a weird fad, or could it help people with anxiety and depression?

When I was five years old something strange happened. After a busy afternoon finger-painting and running around, we were gathered by our teacher on the classroom carpet to listen to a story. I can’t remember which book she read – only that she began to do so in a soft voice, pitched somewherejust above a whisper.

Suddenly, a euphoric, tingling sensation started at the crown of my head and then travelled down my neck and back in waves. The more she read, the stronger the feeling became. I glanced at my friends, expecting to see them in a similar state of rapture, but they weren’t. So I kept the feeling a secret and soon forgot all about it.

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Owners offload dogs bought in lockdown by pretending they are strays

Rescue centres say they are seeing more and more pets their owners are now too busy to look after

People are pretending that dogs they acquired during lockdown are strays so that rescue centres take them in, after failing to sell them online, animal rescue charities and shelters have warned.

Figures from March revealed that more than 3.2m pets were bought by UK households during lockdown. Since Covid restrictions were lifted and people have started to return to the office, charities have reported a growing trend of people abandoning their pandemic pets as they no longer have as much time for them.

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